A Valentine's Day Derp
by 40linesofgay
Summary: The day that OWLS, February 14th, and 5th years conspired against Remus' sanity was also the day of the best memory he made with Sirius Black.


Remus is in the library with Evans. Lily's hair is tied back with a pink ribbon, the only sign of festivity. They're supposed to be working on Transfiguration, but Lily has spent the last hour they've been there alternating between biting her lip nervously, staring at Remus, and glancing around the room in the manner of a person looking for something that they're dreading to find.

Remus guesses that it's James.

Ever since their arrival at Hogwarts, each day Sirius teams up with James to try and win Lily's heart. OWLs haven't disrupted their flow at all. As the rest of the fifth years start to feel the strain from the extra homework the professors seem to have conspired to use as tools to drown their students, those with natural brilliance (James and Sirius, although Remus can be counted because his homework is completed three weeks in advance) are either tutoring (Remus, the prefectly thing he is) or conspiring for** (*strikethrough*)** world domination **(*strikethrough*)** Lily Evans' heart. (James and Sirius)

Honestly, its just a holiday, Remus thinks, and not even a good one. Still, its hard to shake the image of Sirius holding roses and a box of chocolate for him out of his mind. He can almost imagine James stunning Peter, transfiguring his robes, and dressing him up like Cupid to go along with Sirius' scheme. _If only…_

Lily seems to relax, although Remus doesn't know why. Nothing about their situation has changed, but Lily is more visibly calm. Odd, the thinks whilst noticing her staring. Again.

"Er, Lily," He inquires, "Is there something on my face?" He self-consciously rubs a scar on his chin.

"No," she replies, sounding a bit short.

"Is there something you're confused about?" He gestures perplexedly towards the parchment in front of her.

"Yes, there is," she says, voice barely a whisper. "But its not about Transfig."

The scenario running through his mind involves awkward questions, a moon chart being pulled out of her bosom like its pepper spray, and shrieking. Lots of shrieking.

"Oh," he says, voice trembling. "What is it, then?"

She kisses him.

Totally not what he expected.

_Oh,_ he thinks.

Her lips are gooey with the lipstick that girls insist on wearing, even though its absolutely repulsive.

She tastes like strawberry.

Remus hates strawberry.

He doesn't know exactly what to do. He likes Lily, she's great, but he doesn't like Lily. He stays perfectly still, eyes glancing worriedly in the direction of Madam Pince. Her desk is empty.

Lily pulls away after realizing that he is not reciprocating. Surprisingly, she smirks at him.

"Question number nine, Remus."

* * *

><p>Three confusing hours later, Remus is in the dorms. He's managed to get a muggle radio to work in Gryffindor Tower, which is empty. This can't be a good thing, he thinks, but finds that he doesn't really care. An empty tower means that James is terrorizing Lily or the first years, (again) Sirius is snogging some bint or helping, (again) and Peter is watching in awe. (again)<p>

Instead of listening to the nagging voice in the back of his mind saying,_ 'The last time something like this happened, there were naked Marauders, singing suits of armor, and a lust-filled Giant Squid to deal with. You're still cleaning Cauldron Cleaner out from under your nails_,' Remus plays with the dials. Listening to music always helps Remus keep a clear head, even whilst alternating between Rock and Jazz.

Beatles, Pink Floyd, Jaco Pastorius? Hell, I could go for some Sinastra right about now. Haven' tlistened to swing in a while…

By some cruel work of irony, Remus finds Eclipse. Pink Floyd. He bitterly chuckles to himself, feeling his bones creak.

_"All that is gone,_  
><em>All that's to come,<em>  
><em>And everything under the sun is in tune,<em>  
><em>But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.<em>

_THERE IS NO DARK SIDE ON THE MOON REALLY!"_

Remus hears steps. Sirius flings open the door and asks, "Full tomorrow?"

"Hello, Pads. And yes."

Sirius shifts on his feet, somewhat nervously.

"I forgot," he mumbles.

Sirius doesn't mumble often, or act nervous, for that matter. Remus sighs long-sufferingly. This means he'll have another mess to clean up later.

"Wish I could forget just as easily," he says.

"Me, too, Remus." Sirius must be guilty. He only calls people by their given name if he's being.. well, serious.

"Where does it hurt," Sirius asks, looking forlorn.

"My shoulder, mostly. I'll survive."

Sirius comes closer, circles the bed, and sits behind him. Remus feels warm hands on his shoulders.

Sirius can't feel him blush, but he tuts when Remus stiffens.

"Relax, Remus."

There it is again. Remus. Not Moony, or Moonshine, or Lupin. Remus.

Sirius starts to rub little circles right where Remus is sore. Pressure is applied lightly, where it doesn't hurt, but smooths out a bit of tension in his muscles. He bites his lips to keep from making any embarrassing sounds. Sirius's hands move lower, keeping the same pleasurable pace. Remus can;t stop his sharp intake of breath, and Sirius stops.

"Am I hurting you?"

"Godric, no," he says. Under all of the British in his voice, you can hear his French roots coming out. This only happens when he's livid or… otherwise.  
>Sirius chuckles and starts the pace again. Remus hears a tiny, whisper-like whimper come from the back of his throat.<p>

"Alright, Remus?" Sirius asks again, but there is a bit of mirth in his voice.

"Never better," Remus says through gritted teeth._ Don't stop!_

But Sirius does. The hands are removed from his back, leaving it with an odd, cold feeling. The weight on the bed behind him shifts, and Sirius walks around the bed. Very quickly, but not at all imperceptibly, Remus crosses his legs, trying to disguise a more prominent problem than the empty feeling on his skin.

"Puis-je vous embrasser?" Sirius asks.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god…_

"What?" Remus says, voice squeaking.

"I said, 'Can I kiss you?' Honestly, Remus, for half a Frenchman, you're rubbish with the language, and the romance."

"Vas te faire encule!" Remus says without any conviction, and laughs. "Oui."

Sirius's face comes closer…  
>closer…<br>their noses are bumping…  
>Sirius laughs…<br>Remus tilts his head…  
>and they're kissing, slow and sensually, and Remus thinks,<em> Oh, finally. How lucky am I? He's amazing. He's everything. He's such a good kis—- mmmmmmmmmmm .<em>  
>Remus can almost hear his brain melting to mush, but he doesn't care, because its Sirius!<p>

Then it's over too soon, because they've forgotten how to breathe. They come up for air, panting like they've run a marathon, and Sirius laughs, barking like a dog.

There is a soft rapping on the door, and Lily's voice calls, "Sirius! Remus! Get your lazy arses out of there, its time to go!"

Remus' excitement slowly ebbs to confusion as Sirius calls out, "Just a moment, Evans!"

Sirius adjusts himself, and Remus crosses his legs self consciously. Sirius chuckles (or is it a manly giggle?) at him, and yells, "Come in! He doesn't know!"

The door opens and Lily walks in. She turns to Remus and groans.

"Dress robes," she barks at him. She yells, "I'd castrate you, Black, but that would defeat the purpose of our little excursion," while Remus rummages through his trunk. He's never had money for dress robes, so he pulls out his best set of school robes and pulls off the prefect's pin.

_Lily kissed me. I didn't imagine that. Why is she helping Sirius? Does she not like me? Most birds don't go around snogging friends. Merlin, this is awkward. I'm confused. The 5th year Gryffindors must be in on a conspiracy to make my head explode, that's it!_

Lily looks to him again, sees the robes draped on his arm, and says, "I'm leaving. You have three minutes to get dressed. Come on, Black. Can't have you distracting him."

_Her smirking expression, and her phrasing, and Sirius's blush, and probably my own,_ repeats in his mind like a madman's mantra as he dresses. Lily walks in just as he's tying this left shoe.

"GO!" she screams. There is a distinctly Sirius-esque chuckle to be heard.

_What the bloody hell has her knickers in a twist?_

He finds that she's not yelling at him when James pops out from under his own bed _(HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN THERE?)_ and screams, "Obscuro!"

_Oh, shite, if this is some elaborate prank I'm throwing myself off of the Astronomy tower._

Ten minutes are spent blindly navigating around with Remus's three unlikely captors. James is complaining the entire way about having to watch two of his very male best friends attempt to eat each other's faces. Lily snaps and clubs him on the head with her fist, judging by the THUMP and James' exclamation of, "OW! Bloody fuck, my ear!"

When the others stop, Remus very nearly runs into a door, as they've decided to not stop him until thirty seconds after they've stopped. He feels hands grab him, hears a creak, and is led blindly through the door that attempted to claim his nose. He hears Lily exclaim, "Finite Incantantem!" and the blindfold over his eyes is lifted.

He finds himself in an old classroom (he's never been here before, what a surprise) lighted with candles. In one corner of the room, a small table laden with two sets of Goblets, plates, and silver ware. He looks to Sirius. Sirius smiles. He looks to Lily, or at least attempts to. She brushes him off with a thumbs up, and disappears into the hall. He stares at James, who is following her, and he says, "One kiss and one kiss only, Lupin, and you have to get it! You didn't even like her, you lucky, bent son of a Bitch."

Sirius and Remus -oh, how good that sounds, Sirius-and-Remus, Remus-and-Sirius- both laugh, and Sirius says, "That's how I knew to take my chance. Lily said you didn't even kiss her back."

Remus says, "She wasn't you," and Sirius kisses him again.

They make their way to the table, and James comes out again in full waiter attire. He looks so utterly ridiculous in a black muggle suit, apron reaching almost past his knees, little handlebar mustache drawn on his face with ink, that Remus busts out laughing like a madman. Sirius follows suit quite quickly, and barely manages to guide Remus to the table for his laughter.

Remus looks to him, raising an eyebrow and silently asking, 'What is all this?'

Sirius just laughs again- loud, barking mad, and all Sirius- and says, "Happy Valentine's Day, Moony."


End file.
